


The Universe On Your Side

by betweentheheavesofstorm



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Babysitting, Bisexual Cosette, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, One Shot, One of My Favorites, Slow Burn, Texting, Texting the wrong number, The Gay Agenda, but with snacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweentheheavesofstorm/pseuds/betweentheheavesofstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Éponine texts the wrong number, but surprisingly it doesn't go downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Universe On Your Side

_I’m a patient person, but if they ask for a snack one more time I’m going to snap_

 

Éponine? Who are you feeding?

 

_oh shit. i didn’t mean 2 send that to u_

 

So I gathered

 

_children, if you’re wondering._

 

Babysitting?

 

_yh. not gav, he’s a breeze. some kids round the block._

 

I know the pain, I used to babysit.

 

_no kidding. they keep wanting to play things and then the moment we get the game out and set it up theyve lost all interest._

 

Haha. What have you played so far?

 

_monopoly._

 

Oh god I feel for you

 

_pls do. im not even trying to lose and I am_

 

Are they at the age where you have to let them win or they start crying?

 

_nearly. one threw a fit when I beat him at uno_

 

That I can understand. Uno is intense

 

_no kidding. mind u he gave me two +4s so I dont feel that bad_

 

Speaking of that, why is it that uno’s banned at ABC meetings? Is there history?

 

_oh hell yes_

 

_theres even a rule that we dont talk about it_

 

_but pontmercy will never fill u in so somebody has to_

 

What happened?

  

_so we’re hanging out before a meeting_

 

_waiting for feuilly_

 

_the guy’s so lucky, he dodged a real bullet_

 

_anyway_

 

_we’re all bored_

 

_including courfeyrac. can u see where this is going?_

 

I think so?

 

_he pulls out a pack of uno and everyone reacts like its a gun or something. by that I mean bahorel and r start laughing, j+b are concerned, chetta’s gleeful and combeferre is more than a little worried_

 

_and then we have enjolras_

 

_who, as it transpires, has never played uno before_

 

_so amidst all the shock &horror, hes just confused_

 

oh no

 

_oh yes_

 

_lets play, courfeyrac says, adding, it’s just a card game_

 

_‘yh,’ says r, bc he is shit_

 

How did it go?

 

_well the good news was that it was funny_

 

And the bad news?

 

_the first rule we made is that nobody was going to play with combeferre again_

 

That I can understand

 

_the second rule (after 5 games) was that nobody was to play it at all_

 

_at least not at meetings_

 

_or in the musain either._

 

Why not in the Musain?

 

_we broke a chair_

 

Wow

 

_yh. feeling good about uno with the kids now?_

 

Slightly. Was that before Grantaire and Enjolras got together?

 

_must have been bc it was before u joined_

 

It feels like such a long time ago

 

_I think that’s kinda how it is with the abc?? like before I was actually in it I just knew pontmercy & r, but that time seems ages ago_

 

Is that how you got into it?

 

_yep. r owed me a drink and it happened 2 be right before the meeting. chetta saw me and demanded we had another girl in the group_

 

How’s the babysitting?

 

_grim_

 

Don’t they notice you texting?

 

_nah theyre watching a movie now_

 

Which movie? Wait, let me guess. Is it Frozen?

 

_haha close. nope its this family comedy thing. so far ive counted three sexist jokes & one racist stereotype_

 

_and that’s not even me being super critical, if anything im being LENIENT_

 

Plot?

 

_something abt family bonding?? theyre very white, very surburban american_

 

_parents with communication issues, kids that hate each other_

 

_u get the gist_

 

Have any references been made to sport? Baseball or football are usually a safe guess when it comes to American comedy

 

_only one so far but theres still time._

 

_ive told them they cant watch the whole thing (ITS LIKE THREE HOURS LONG I WOULD DIE) bc bedtime and they started whining again_

 

Do you want me to come rescue you?

 

_nah ill power through_

 

_wait_

 

_how were u going to?_

 

I was thinking I’d pretend to be a burglar/serial killer. We stage a small fight, tie the children up, and then as it’s nearing the time for you to leave you suddenly are able to vanquish me and I disappear into the night

 

_its almost hard to tell ur a drama student. A* for creativity but the kids would tell their parents and they would know it was a setup_

 

_then BAM no more job_

 

Damn, sorry

 

_I appreciate the offer though_

 

_ughhh there is so much ‘women r inherently controlling bc men r lazy pigs’ in this movie_

 

Can you suggest a different activity or is it good to keep the kids occupied?

 

_I cba to think of anything. and yh at least this way I don’t have to talk to them._

 

How many?

 

_how many what_

 

Kids

 

_oh. three._

 

Ouch. That’s not fun

 

How old?

 

_11, 9 & 7_

 

Ouch x 2

 

_tell me about it. its not even like theyre my siblings so I have to love them regardless of how annoying they are_

 

_i just want to punch them_

 

Get them to punch each other? Then you can’t be sued or anything

 

_nah theyre even worse when theyre fighting. but I like the thought. didn’t take u for an advocate of violence_

 

I don’t in most cases, but I can appreciate its uses

 

_was that an opinion formed before or after meeting bahorel?_

 

Maybe after. Though I did do karate for years.

 

_like for self defence?_

 

Not really. It might have been part of the point but it was more of a babysitting thing as it was an after-school club.

 

My dad always said if people were attacking me I should hit them with heavy things, or if there were none available to go for their eyes

 

_wow that’s cold_

 

_im impressed_

 

_I always took ur dad for one of the liam neeson ‘ill protect my daughter so she doesn’t need 2 protect herself’ types_

 

He’s pretty cool.

 

And I think part of it was because I was telling him about catcalling and how the worst part is – for me at least – the powerlessness of it. Because a lot of the time you can’t do anything and the safest option is just to ignore them. But by doing that you’re still submitting? Idk

 

_yeah that makes sense_

 

_I mean I yell/glare at guys if they catcall me_

 

_but I usually have a knife on me_

 

Jesus

 

_but props to ur dad for letting u rescue urself_

 

_lmao the kids just asked if I had a boyfriend_

 

_‘ah well I would but as it turns out im super super gay’_

 

what would their reaction be if you said that?

 

_im not sure. theyre christian but idk how much._

 

Are you imposing the gay agenda on them?

 

_nah they arent having any of my rainbow cupcakes_

 

You guys have cupcakes? Jealous

 

_wait what do the bisexuals have??_

 

We like waffles, pancakes and sometimes other desserts too.

 

_Nice_

 

What’s an agenda without snacks?

 

_sad and lonely. like it must be living with these children_

 

Haha

 

How’s the movie?

 

_still terrible. these children would give it oscars if they could._

 

_the ‘wholesome guy next door’ looks like pontmercy. if he had a buzzcut._

 

_pls tell marius to get this haircut it would be hilarious_

 

I’m not sure he’d listen to me

 

_damn. wuu2?_

 

Drawing

 

_oh I remember u draw! r showed me some of your stuff once_

 

He did?

 

_yeah. it was good! I liked the way u did hair_

 

_it looked real but in a messy way. most of the time people draw hair like they’re a disney princess_

 

Have you seen Grantaire’s drawing of Punk Rapunzel?

 

_omg no_

 

We were swapping prompts for a joke, and so he did Rapunzel but with fifty piercings and purple hair.

 

_amazing_

 

It was. Are you into art at all?

 

_dont really have the time tbh. Azelma got some new pens for her last bday though, shes getting rly into it_

 

_maybe sometime u could give her some tips?_

 

_idk u don’t have to_

 

No, I’d like to. That would be nice.

 

_Aaaah and finally it is bedtime. praise the lord_

 

You’re an atheist

 

_praise time then_

 

Fair enough.

 

_how long does it take a kid to clean their teeth? u’d think I asked them 2 do trigonometry or something_

 

_THEY HAVE MINION PAJAMAS REPEAT MINION PJS_

 

_cosette im dying their room is full of minions_

 

I’m so sorry. What songs should we play at your funeral?

 

_rickroll everyone pls_

 

_if u don’t do it r will he promised me_

 

You and Grantaire have discussed your funerals?

 

_yh he wants john cena at his_

 

_we’re both fucking memes I hate it_

 

_wby do u have preferences?_

 

I hadn’t really thought about it.

 

OK is it macabre to have thought of a song for somebody else?

 

As it implies their death?

 

_no lets hear it_

 

‘Dedicated Follower of Fashion’ by the Kinks for Jehan

 

_I dont know it_

 

Listen, when you can

 

_ok_

 

Are they asleep now?

 

_FINALLY, yes. at least they want me to think that. they’re probably having a secret meeting or something. I dont know and im not being paid enough 2 care_

 

_I know children are young and impressionable and we should be tolerant but oh my god I swear even I was a better kid than that._

 

_I didn’t mean – shit, sorry_

 

It’s okay.

 

_No, like that was shitty. I reiterate: child me was a dick_

 

You had reasons

 

_not good ones_

 

You followed your parent’s lead, that’s what kids do.

 

_I liked it though. I was the special kid and u weren’t_

 

Éponine, you were eight

 

_So were u. Im sorry I shouldnt have brought it up_

 

It’s OK, really. I don’t blame you anymore.

 

_why do u have to be so nice dammit_

 

_and like_

 

_since we got 2 know each other again idk if u wanted me to apologise? bc ive thought about it_

 

_given that i am super sorry 4 aforementioned dickishness_

 

_but i didn’t rly know how 2 bring it up and I liked the fact that we were getting along_

 

_so, sorry_

 

_for what I did and for not saying it before_

 

Thank you. I want to say ‘I forgive you’ only it sounds really formal. But I do. Forgive you.

 

_and so they all lived happily ever after_

 

Mm.

 

_how’s the drawing coming?_

 

Oh, good.

 

_what r u drawing? if u don’t mind me asking_

 

Demon children

 

_what?_

 

I’m kidding. But I might do that in future. Primary school kids with horns and tails

 

_sounds fun. and what you’re actually doing?_

 

Just a project. nothing special.

 

What are you up to now that they’re asleep?

 

_essay writing. aka ‘there’s no right way 2 be a woman in king lear bc whatever you do you’ll die’_

 

Sounds cheerful. I haven’t read the play

 

_im ambivalent abt it. there are bits that r kinda marxist but tbh I care little about the realizations of privileged old men_

 

Are there many female characters?

 

_a grand total of 3_

 

_and then like, theres a split between ‘pure amazing sparkly virgin’ and ‘evil ambitious sexually active bitches’_

 

And all of them die?

 

_that would be yes_

 

Grantaire just texted me asking if you’re still alive

 

???

 

_oh_

 

_I was talking 2 him before_

 

_and mentioned I accidentally texted u_

 

_I forgot to reply to his last text_

 

_ha_

 

Ah, I see

 

That message sounds a lot more passive aggressive now I’ve sent it

 

_dont stress. have u ever texted enjolras? hes the king of passive aggressive_

 

No

 

_he mostly messages me stuff about r bc I usually know where he is and I swear for somebody who cares so much about the big picture hes really petty_

 

Doesn’t Grantaire tell him where he is? I mean they are dating

 

_Ah well this goes back 2 before. R spent all his time moping about e and vice versa so me n combeferre were in contact_

 

_it was like a solidarity thing_

 

_a club for people whos best friends are idiots with crushes_

 

Did you try and get them together or?

 

_nah. I wanted to and put us out of our misery but ferre had all this ethical bullshit about letting events take their natural course and not forcing things_

 

_they still got there in the end, I guess_

 

_okay fuck you were so right about this song_

 

_the follower of fashion one_

 

_I just started listening and it’s so jehan?? in a veeeery slightly mean way but im laughing_

 

Aha I’m glad you think so

 

_it rly fits montparnasse as well im gonna send it 2 him_

 

Is he the well-dressed drug dealer Bahorel was complaining about at the last meeting?

 

_that’s the one_

 

_he’s the vainest person I know_

 

More so than Courfeyrac? (I love him but he once spent an hour deciding between two bow ties.)

 

_similar to courfeyrac, but imagine he had no budget bc criminal earnings & also no restraint/friends to stop him_

 

_he isn’t as loud as courf though_

 

Is anybody?

 

_true._

 

_ahhh the parents are home!!_

 

Yay!

 

I hope they pay you well for dealing with their devil children.

 

You should charge extra for every bad movie they make you watch.

 

_walking home now!_

 

_they pay decently but they think I love the kids bc they love me_

 

_its exhausting_

 

I’m sure. Should you be texting and walking at the same time at night?

 

_theres a knife in my waistband. so yes_

 

_also nobody here is going to mug me its cool_

 

If you’re sure

 

Can I ask you something?

 

_no_

 

_(that was meant 2 be funny, obviously yes)_

 

Right. Um, would it be weird if

 

_if?_

 

I said I’d drawn you?

 

_what_

 

_have you?_

 

....maybe?

 

_omg_

 

_send me a picture_

 

_I wanna see_

 

_R keeps telling me he’ll draw me and then goes and does another 100 portraits of E_

 

_like how many times can u draw naturally curly blond hair before u get tired of it?_

 

You aren’t weirded out?

 

_not if its a good picture_

 

I think it is?

 

OK I sent it to Grantaire and he said I should definitely show you so

 

_I don’t have wifi but_

 

_I’ll see it when I get home_

 

All right. I’ll send it over Facebook?

 

_okee_

 

_im home now. the evil children live close._

 

_I gtg bc family but uh_

 

_would it be totally weird if I texted u again?_

 

_ur good at the conversation thing_

 

It would be nice!!

 

Oh, and I meant to say

 

(you’re probs gone now)

 

I’m not dating Marius anymore? idk if you knew I just got the impression you didn’t

 

_omg what_

 

_did u dump him?_

 

…yes.

 

_ok I actually do have to go now but that’s cool, I didn’t know._

 

_Bye_

 

Bye xx

**Author's Note:**

> I was babysitting this evening, and under the mistaken impression that I'd saved my WIP fic What You Love on the desktop so I could work on it there. After getting out my laptop, I realised I was mistaken and now had 4 hours of nothingness. 
> 
> So because it was fun and relatively painless, I did an eposette one-shot. (I always want to write more eponine/cosette and my gf is always encouraging me so the conclusion is that I'm trash)
> 
> If you enjoyed it or have any questions, please leave a comment below or come talk to me at betweentheheavesofstorm.tumblr.com
> 
> (if the title makes you think of 'Washington On Your Side' i'm glad)


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